Sacred

December 16, 2014

There’s a place that I go

Beyond the sky and clouds,

Beyond every boundary

Where I can think my thoughts out loud.

The world crashing down

or calm ocean blue,

That one sacred place

I can simply be with you.

It started when we were young,

And I hope it lasts til we’re old,

A thousand miles between us

Our love never burns cold.

We’ve loved in different lifetimes

My soul knows the truth,

The spectacular place I go

And wrap myself up in you.

Sage xo

Unabashedly

December 10, 2014

Dear Raymond,

I got your letter in the mail today. I apologize for not writing all these months. I finally did it. Well almost. I put everything into perspective, got some clarity and decided to close the door. It was as simple and hard as that. I put every thought of you out of my head, and reminded myself every time I thought of you that it was impossible.

I saw you unexpectedly and I really was surprised. I’ve spent these months working on my future. I’m not sure if you’ll keep in touch but when I got your letter I felt sad. It was the truth cementing. I am beginning to understand that people come in and out of our lives for a reason. They don’t always stay and relationships don’t always manifest in the way we want them to. So I felt happy for you and sad all in the same moment.

Without even knowing it, we have an impact on others in ways we can’t even begin to imagine. I want you to know. That you were my first love. It doesn’t matter that it was unrequited and unspoken. The impact you had helped me to believe and have faith in love. Your character, your presence, the gifts you gave me that have no names but are still with me to this day. I know what a real man is, and I know trust because you showed it to me.

I can’t even count the ways you touched my heart. And I hope, that in some ways that I touched yours. I will never forget you. No matter where I end up or who comes in and out of my life, I will always cherish the moments we shared. I carry the best in my heart. I’m sad too and won’t lie, I’m ruminating that if we hadn’t run into each other again, I wouldn’t have had to go through all of this then saying goodbye once again. But when I’m done with my tears, like the woman I am, I remind myself that real love cannot be labelled, stifled or contained. That no matter how it was wrong, it was all worth it.

I wish you all the very best. I hope your life is a charmed one. I hope you’ve found your one true love. And most of all, I want your life to be magic. It seems like only yesterday but time waits for no one. I am privileged and a better person for having known you. And because of our experience, I will be able to recognize real love, if I ever am lucky enough to find it.

You are my favourite. Knowing you are happy will in time enable me to be happy. My tears are bittersweet – both happy and sad. What a profound mark we have left on each other’s lives. Thank you – for being you.

Yours,

Sage xo

In Your Eyes

July 7, 2014

Dear R.

You are fast becoming a vivid memory. I am going to keep writing letters. I think one day they will be really special. I took this photo and thought of you. Hope this note finds you well & in good spirits.

Sage xo

“I see the doorway..of a thousand churches..”

2014-06-24 16.40.18

Silence

April 23, 2014

I do not understand silence. No. What I mean is, I don’t know what message is being conveyed by your silence. Perhaps, for once in my life, I long for confrontation. At least the words get said. Even if it hurts, you know the truth. Or maybe the silence is the truth. But one thing I know for sure. It’s beyond confusing.

I’m walking this part of the journey on my own. I should be familiar with it by now. I don’t get to see your face or hear your voice. I can’t look for words of kindness or encouragement. And I never get to hear your laughter. What a tragedy our spirits are not crossing. How sad that our instantaneous magic lay dormant.

Right now, things are not the way I had hoped. Everything I worked towards did not come true and all of my worst fears culminated into what I’m facing now. My heart has never been more broken. And while it is broken, it’s a lot like scar tissue. I’m becoming more tough in those once vulnerable places. I don’t have any control over any outcomes. I can only take each day as it comes. I’d like to think these empty spaces are reserved, that there is finally room for them to be filled with joy and love.

To be ignored is an awful feeling. However well intentioned, however much it is for ‘the best’ I have not written you in almost a year. Because a person who ignores you probably isn’t interested in letters of unrequited love. So much better it would have been, to move here and not found you. I would be as I had been before. Living life without thinking about you. I miss the freedom in that.

I fear you have either forgotten me or worse think of me in a less than honourable light. I haven’t changed. I’m only being strong and doing the best I can. Life is not the same without you. And my only wish, is that somehow my absence is felt in some small way. It seems cosmically wrong to be so affected by someone and there are no marks, no milestones no evidence it ever existed. Maybe it is time I accepted that.

Unfortunately,

Sage

Straight Talk

August 15, 2013

I started this blog for a multitude of reasons. To express my feelings, to say the things I could not say face to face, to try to understand this complicated connection to you. But today I’m not writing you another letter, not declaring my love nor singing your praises. You’re human. Flesh & blood like the rest of us. Imperfect with flaws.

It was one of the more braver things I’ve ever done in my life, professing my true feelings for you and discontinuing contact. Giving up one of the most positive aspects of my life, letting go of the one person who saw me in a good light, the unfailing support when I needed it. But you did us both a disservice, by not acknowledging the truth about our relationship. You helped perpetuate the fantasy. It’s something I basked myself in. Over and over. Whenever I needed it. This relationship by all accounts became real.

I find myself angry which I understand to mean hurt. Because in all of this, it is me that has had to carry this giant ball of emotions and go on this big ride. At this moment in time, I don’t know whether to be grateful or angry. That you could have ended this, in so many ways, so many times. Fantasy is wonderful. But it is not and can never be reality. My head is spinning wondering if you really truly understand how a few simple, straight forward actions, could’ve ended this a long time ago.

For all of its beauty, for all of its grace and for everything good I’m glad. But for all of the pain and all of the impromptu exchanges, I’m mad. Stop lying to yourself that we are somehow friends. Stop being so wonderful to me, stop placing me on a pedestal. It is too high and I cannot be myself from that vantage point. It is only a matter of time until I fall from your graces. You have some ownership in all of this. It’s not just my misplaced feelings or my unstable emotional life. You enjoyed seeing me. You too, had some feelings. You wanted to keep seeing me, because there was no other venue in your life with which to do so. There is nothing wrong with admitting you enjoyed my company. What’s wrong is using a professional relationship as some sort of pre tense.

Now things are so fucked up. I’ve always valued your honesty & integrity. I have been struggling about how to move forward. You would lose nothing by being honest. But you devalue me, and us, when you flatter me with compliments and flirt, with no intention of ever having anything more. It is difficult to express the complications I feel and am forced to go through every time I have to go to your office. You might be able to let me go so easily. Maybe I am a highlight in your day. But it is different for me. I deserve to be happy. And I am frustrated that I can’t resolve how strongly I feel.

You’ve always left the door swinging open, but armed with the truth, whatever that is, you could close it shut. They say you can’t have your cake and eat it too. I would argue, we can and do, all the fucking time. Life is too short not to tell the people who are important in your life, that you care about them. Life is fleeting and to not be clear about where things stand, is to waste precious time. I didn’t ask to fall in love with you. We do not choose who we love. But we sure as hell can be authentic and caring, honest and true and do the right thing no matter what it costs us. Even if it meant hurting me. Because at least that would be real.

When we pass from this life to the next, it won’t matter our earthly reasons and excuses. What will matter is, did we love, did we try, and who did we choose to be in the most difficult moments. We can’t hurt people with our decisions. We hurt people when we’re not honest about the way things really are. You owe yourself and everyone you love, this much.

Sage

Blast From the Past

March 20, 2013

Dear Raymond,

imagejpeg_21

An old friend texted some photographs of me of when I was a teenager. It totally blows my mind to actually think back on 20 years of my life. I was seventeen years old in this photo. I know the year it was taken, it was the same year I met you.

I was never short of suitors, I was usually dating one guy to the next, living life each day, never once thinking of the future. I don’t recall the exact date when we met and I can’t remember every single moment between us though there were many. I only remember how curious you were about me, how special you always made me feel and how utterly attracted to you I was.

Whether you know it or not, you became the guy that all the rest of my boyfriends hated. They dreaded my speaking so highly of you and they found out early on, they would never have my heart completely.

But time passed and I grew up and one of the bravest things I did was let you go. The man that all men in my life would be measured against, the man who I felt so safe and happy with, the man who cherished me for everything I was and everything I was not. I feel blessed to have known you then, and even more blessed to see you now.

This photo is like a time capsule, it captures my girlhood. It’s a reminder of how fortunate we are to have crossed paths not once but twice and that some things are so strong & beautiful, they remain constant and forever. Sending good vibes your way.

Sage

Air

March 2, 2013

Dear Raymond,

I have been hard at work on my latest writing project and this is my excuse for not writing you a letter sooner. It was so lovely to see you in passing the other day and to hear your gentle voice over the phone. You seem so filled with a happiness it makes one wonder about your other faces.

I was happy to ‘take it back’ as you requested and received it as a message that you still want to stay in touch even if it’s only through random messages. At this very moment as I am writing this, I feel like a stretched out patch of desert. It’s uncomfortably hot, I’m restless and the end doesn’t seem like it’s ever going to be in sight. I had hoped I was a beach; that you were the tide and I was the sand, but it’s really not looking that way right now. I have to hold on to hope and remind myself that how things feel may not be the way things are.

I miss you lots.

Sage

 

Haunted

January 24, 2013

Dear Raymond,

I’m sad to report to you that the joy and elation of your earlier visit has disintegrated into dust. Just when I thought I had turned a real corner in my life and felt truly hopeful, the past reared its ugly head and sent me to bed to hide under the covers.

How amazing and plentiful my thoughts of you are. Imagine the possibility that not only are you my first love but that you could be my last. Feeling certain through it all, never once having a doubt about what is meant to be. Man, that is the stuff people talk about across all time.

But maybe I am really delusional. Like in what universe could something like this happen? Maybe I have romanticized something for far too long. I’m baffled. Confused. Angry because I don’t feel like we can talk anymore and I don’t know whether to keep waiting or let it go. And I don’t think I even have the strength to let go, because whether it’s real or an idea, it is just so damn beautiful.

It’s funny how in such a short period of time, things can change so drastically. Whether it is change in circumstances or a change in perspective, my world is in turmoil. Hope is dangerous, first loves make me crazy and wondering. I spent the day making a video because I couldn’t concentrate. I haven’t been in touch and I most likely won’t be for some time. I think I understand the situation. I’m in fact, crazier than a loon. My dream last night proves it. I’m haunted. I am stuck with the words of this song. What if it all means something? What if it doesn’t?

Please return my heart back, even if it’s in a million pieces. Reality has to be the right thing. I hope.

Sage

Sight

December 21, 2012

Dear Raymond

Today you surprised me with your joy & thoughtfulness. I waited around nervously, tried to occupy myself with other things to pass the time, not really believing you were actually going to show up. And just when I had given up hope, you were here. Funny how that even as I’m writing this letter to you, I’m reminded of that magical ability you seem to have. Showing up when all signs say oblivion.

First, I want to apologize for the state of sadness I was in, because my true feelings were elation & happiness. But on the other hand, I’m glad I didn’t come off like a babbling idiot like I did yesterday. I’ve been training myself for years, to not let myself believe when it comes to you. As wonderful as being with you is, it can also be truly scary.

For whatever reason, friendship or otherwise you took the time and it did not go unnoticed. You took a baby step. You peered in through the doorway and that my friend is bravery in my books. And as weird as it was to see you in my house, it’s a sight I hope I see in the future. Thank you for your kindness. I hope you understand what that means.

xo Sage2012-12-20 18.52.47-1

Lost

November 18, 2012

Dear Raymond

To send a letter is a good way to go somewhere without moving anything but your heart. Phyllis Theroux

I’m glad I have school to focus on, it makes my days go by faster and gives me something to reach for. It’s been a little over two weeks since I gave you the fated letter. I didn’t get to see the look on your face or how you took it in. That was the flaw with writing a letter, it’s one way communication. It saved me from telling you to your face but I missed out on any response.

I’m really rather tired of one way communication. it’s always me sharing and you listening. I long to know how you’ve been, what your thoughts are, how is your heart. What’s new, what’d old, laugh it up with you. You really have the most brilliant laugh. I love it when you’re totally lit up and happy.

It’s been tough these past days because I’ve wanted to share my small victories, talk to you about anything and everything, wishing I could hear your voice. Telling you how I felt and walking away was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I feel like I lost a true friend. My prayers of late have been ones about answers instead of questions. While mystery is dripping with romance, I want my reality better than a dream.

Sending You Love,

Sage