The Heart Calls

January 7, 2017

My Dearest Raymond

I never thought it was possible but I am moving on from loving you from afar. I had a dream about you and it changed my mind and heart. We were waiting to see you and I asked if it were possible if my daughter and I could see you separately. That was my way of asking for time alone with you. And you replied, “No, I have other people waiting.”

Those words have echoed through out my head since the dream. It’s really that simple. Other people need you. I needed you too. But I guess it wasn’t meant to be.

For the record, you will always have my love and admiration and I would give up almost everything if it meant being with you. I will never forget you. I hope you never forget me too.

Chance

November 8, 2015

 

 

 

 

 

I will think of you when I need to be reminded there is still beauty & goodness in the world.

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Soliloquy

August 11, 2015

Dear R

“There’s something to be said for that which is unsaid.”

I think this will be my final letter. For the past couple of days, I have attempted to gain some perspective as to how this may all seem, in the grand scheme of things. I’ve thought about sending them to you but then thought better of it. On the one hand, it could be drop dead romantic. On the other, it might be proof that I am nuttier than a fruitcake. How can I regret telling someone I care about them?

Perhaps all of this, from beginning to end, was of my own making. They say when we are enamoured with someone, we are merely seeing a mirror of a part of ourselves. Maybe all these letters were just a soliloquy. Silence too is an answer.

Looking back on all the letters I have written to you, they have swung back and forth like a pendulum. The journey & ride, the ebbs & flows, of reaching & feeling amazing, only to come down to earth once more. Since this will be my last letter, I feel it important for you to know one thing. It is my deepest hope, that you have received as much joy as I have received from you, simply by knowing one another.

And whether I ever come to know anything more about you, I will never forget you. For better or worse, I thank you deeply and wish you well.

Always,

Sage

xx

Even if it’s just pretend.

Safekeeping

August 3, 2015

“I was helpless; powerless to move as a dragonfly in amber.”

My Dearest R

It has been several months since I’ve written. I had hoped you would stay in touch when you moved on to your new post but you have been silent as stars. So I placed it upon myself to move on too because I know you would want me to be happy. One month I thought how utterly miserable it was, that I could have misconstrued our connection. And I decided to close the book and whenever I thought of you, send you positive energy, for even now I cannot seem to help how I feel.

I have a new psychiatrist now and I must say that it is pure fun having intelligent conversation, where I can lead him down one path only to end up on quite another. I merely mention this because intelligent conversation is hard to come by these days. But it is therapeutic  that somehow helps me to put our situation and some of my other issues under scrutiny. It has in fact, helped me to see more clearly. But you know me, I do like to turn people’s head about, it’s a brilliant pastime save for the poor fool who thought himself smarter than me.

So this is not a letter of undying love nor a proclamation of any sort. It is a simple letter, written from the heart, hoping that someday it will reach yours. To be honest, I’ve not thought of you on purpose for weeks on end because that seems the most logical thing to do when met with silence and no goodbye. But today, you came to me, and my thoughts turned to you.

All I wonder is, how you are, what is happening in your life, are you happy, did things turn out the way you had hoped. And perhaps left finally with the same question that has spanned these many years, have you thought of me too? Well whatever the answer, I always know where to look for you. In the farthest region of my heart. Tucked away for safe keeping.

Best Wishes

Sage

Out of the Blue

March 25, 2015

My Dearest R.

I wouldn’t be writing this letter if not for the dream I had about us last night. It was so warm and wonderful I really didn’t want to wake up. It was nothing scandalous if that’s what you were thinking. It was really rather simplistic. It was just you & I, you were smiling ear to ear.

After I woke up and the memory of the dream began to fade, I asked myself, why did I have this dream? No answers came to me. It could be just the REM stage of sleep with you in my long term memory banks. But that connected feeling in the dream speaks otherwise. Maybe it’s because I was worried that since your recent departure, I fear I may never see you again. Maybe it was my lizard brain trying to hold on.

The other big thing on my mind concerning you was another epiphany of sorts. Random thoughts that expressed quite clearly, that we have to let people be exactly who they are and not who we expect or fantasize them to be. I often wonder, will we ever truly get to know the real person in one another, or will this wither with time because it’s a doomed, unrequited, fantasy. Lots to think about my darling but I’m doing my best to move on in my life.

Hope this letter finds you as happy as you were in my dream,

S.

A Wish & A Dream

March 4, 2015

Dear Raymond

The days are turning into weeks and soon the weeks will turn to months. And I’m not sure if you are still receiving my emails. So I came to the place where I can say openly how I feel and let you know I was thinking of you. I hope that things in your life are going well, I hope you’re still laughing and happy but most of all, I hope I haven’t been forgotten.

I’m running out of excuses to send you messages, so I sent you a couple videos I came across and hope you enjoy them. The new Led Zeppelin release was in the news so it made me think of you as you are such a devoted fan. I don’t know if I ever told you this story. When I was about 7 yrs old, I was lining up in the school yard and ran to be first in line. My teacher, Ms. Halfner, asked me what my favourite music was. I piped up, “Led Zeppelin” and her eye balls popped out of her head. But alas, yes it was me, at the ripe old age of eight, smoking cigarettes to impress my babysitter’s friends, all the while, being introduced to this great music. And it’s funny how certain albums were meant for certain stages in my life.

Also was starting to think of turning these letters & blogs into a book. My last book was fictional but inspired by true events. And no one has given me such inspiration the way our connection has. And since it’s still very much a wish and a dream, it could make for a pretty good story (even if most of it isn’t true) It’s the idea that propels us, motivates us and makes us reach higher. So enough of my random babbling for one day, I pray this letter brings you joy, makes you smile &(and if the gods are smiling on me) sets your heart aflame.

Miss ya,

Sage xx

 

Valentines Wishes

February 14, 2015

Dear Raymond,

Happy Valentine’s Day! I don’t know if you’re celebrating with someone special or what your day is like today. But it is my sincerest hope that it is filled with love & drippingly glorious romance. It is my wish that the universe reminds you of just how wonderful & special you are. That you’re drop dead sexy, smart & funny. That you’re heart is one of a kind. I hope someone is pouring out their love for you tonight.

I haven’t heard from you recently and so once again you have faded into the background and took up residence in the back of my mind & heart. I admit, I didn’t understand it, why we have so many hellos that only lead to unspoken goodbyes. Perhaps there truly is no goodbye. I’m really not sure. And I have my moments, where I don’t understand and feel frustrated we can’t even have a simple conversation.I’m really trying to let go and be more open to new relationships. Look toward a future with real possibilities instead of yearnings and wishes that render me alone.

images-3And then it hit me the other night. As I was thinking of you and wondering about you & trying to understand our connection it hit me, like a bolt of lightning. Why it is only my communications and never a reply, why you light up when you see me & tell us you’ll stay in touch or want to help, but than fade away once more. It hit me that if you allowed yourself to really feel, It’s easier, to fantasize about what could be, and to keep it friendly, sweet & nice, then to take a step towards something that could ultimately change everything. It dawned on me that keeping your distance is how you go on and are able to do what you need to do.

It got me to thinking that maybe that is why these feelings never go away, because they have not withstood the test of time, nor been tested in a real relationship. It’s a romantic connection, that requires no risk on either of our parts, and can cause a sublime vibration that warms to the very core. It is love and is not love, all at the same time. It is attraction, our souls recognizing one another yet never allowed the chance to mature. Whatever the real truth is, however you feel about me, I’m okay. If I never see you again, I will still feel fortunate to have this guilty pleasure in my life.

It’s easy to love someone with no risk involved or vulnerabilities. But I don’t recommend unrequited love or crushes to anyone. You were my first love and serendipity brought us together twice. I’m not foolish enough to believe in a third time. In fact, what good would a third time be unless it truly served us both. I wish you a very Happy Valentine’s Day and always remember when you’re going through something difficult, that little old me, has reserved a part of my heart just for you. I send these thoughts into the universe, hoping the substance reaches you somehow.

Best, Best, Best Wishes

Sage

Hell or Paradise

January 14, 2015

My Dearest Raymond,

In just one more post,  I will have written you 52 letters. One for each week of the year. I don’t know if you’ll ever read them, but just the thought of the possibility that these pages could bring you a smile or even a small joy, makes them worth writing. Below is an excerpt, from a beloved author and it captures my feelings. You are in my thoughts, through everything. And right now, everything is not as I had hoped. You never knew this and it probably sounds foolish. But you were someone I could say was a real true friend. How glorious. I fear I am starving slowly and nobody could begin to understand my anguish. Faithfully and always, I send you pure love.

Sage

“But love is always new. Regardless of whether we love once, twice or a dozen times in our life, we always face a brand new situation. Love can consign us to hell or to paradise, but it always takes us somewhere. We simply have to accept it, because it is what nourishes our existence. If we reject it, we die of hunger, because we lack the courage to stretch out a hand and pluck the fruit from the branches of the tree of life. We have to take love where we can find it, even if that means hours, days, weeks of disappointments and sadness.

The moment we begin to seek love, love begins to seek us.

And to save us. ”

– Paulo Coelho

Lucky ~ Unlucky

December 17, 2014

My Dearest Raymond

It was a thrill & surprise to hear your voice yesterday. I’m so glad the best wishes I sent were well received. I really was doing so well in my quest to forget about you. I had almost turned a corner. But it all seems to fly out the window where you’re concerned. I’m going to continue my letters, they aren’t just for you, but an outlet for me, Here is my latest bad poetry about you.

Lucky, Unlucky

Which one I can’t tell

Cause ever since I met you

I’ve been under a spell.

Some people wait a life time

to feel just like this,

Lucky, Unlucky

Never kissed, yet blissed.

This energy between us

has no place to go,

This crazy love between us

Just seems to grow and grow.

Unlucky that I met you

Unlucky for us both

Time stands still here

Love’s grip won’t let go.

Lucky that I met you

Lucky you looked into my eyes,

Lucky to have loved you

All these years of my life.

Sage xo