August 11, 2015

Dear R

“There’s something to be said for that which is unsaid.”

I think this will be my final letter. For the past couple of days, I have attempted to gain some perspective as to how this may all seem, in the grand scheme of things. I’ve thought about sending them to you but then thought better of it. On the one hand, it could be drop dead romantic. On the other, it might be proof that I am nuttier than a fruitcake. How can I regret telling someone I care about them?

Perhaps all of this, from beginning to end, was of my own making. They say when we are enamoured with someone, we are merely seeing a mirror of a part of ourselves. Maybe all these letters were just a soliloquy. Silence too is an answer.

Looking back on all the letters I have written to you, they have swung back and forth like a pendulum. The journey & ride, the ebbs & flows, of reaching & feeling amazing, only to come down to earth once more. Since this will be my last letter, I feel it important for you to know one thing. It is my deepest hope, that you have received as much joy as I have received from you, simply by knowing one another.

And whether I ever come to know anything more about you, I will never forget you. For better or worse, I thank you deeply and wish you well.





Even if it’s just pretend.


August 3, 2015

“I was helpless; powerless to move as a dragonfly in amber.”

My Dearest R

It has been several months since I’ve written. I had hoped you would stay in touch when you moved on to your new post but you have been silent as stars. So I placed it upon myself to move on too because I know you would want me to be happy. One month I thought how utterly miserable it was, that I could have misconstrued our connection. And I decided to close the book and whenever I thought of you, send you positive energy, for even now I cannot seem to help how I feel.

I have a new psychiatrist now and I must say that it is pure fun having intelligent conversation, where I can lead him down one path only to end up on quite another. I merely mention this because intelligent conversation is hard to come by these days. But it is therapeutic ┬áthat somehow helps me to put our situation and some of my other issues under scrutiny. It has in fact, helped me to see more clearly. But you know me, I do like to turn people’s head about, it’s a brilliant pastime save for the poor fool who thought himself smarter than me.

So this is not a letter of undying love nor a proclamation of any sort. It is a simple letter, written from the heart, hoping that someday it will reach yours. To be honest, I’ve not thought of you on purpose for weeks on end because that seems the most logical thing to do when met with silence and no goodbye. But today, you came to me, and my thoughts turned to you.

All I wonder is, how you are, what is happening in your life, are you happy, did things turn out the way you had hoped. And perhaps left finally with the same question that has spanned these many years, have you thought of me too? Well whatever the answer, I always know where to look for you. In the farthest region of my heart. Tucked away for safe keeping.

Best Wishes