April 23, 2014

I do not understand silence. No. What I mean is, I don’t know what message is being conveyed by your silence. Perhaps, for once in my life, I long for confrontation. At least the words get said. Even if it hurts, you know the truth. Or maybe the silence is the truth. But one thing I know for sure. It’s beyond confusing.

I’m walking this part of the journey on my own. I should be familiar with it by now. I don’t get to see your face or hear your voice. I can’t look for words of kindness or encouragement. And I never get to hear your laughter. What a tragedy our spirits are not crossing. How sad that our instantaneous magic lay dormant.

Right now, things are not the way I had hoped. Everything I worked towards did not come true and all of my worst fears culminated into what I’m facing now. My heart has never been more broken. And while it is broken, it’s a lot like scar tissue. I’m becoming more tough in those once vulnerable places. I don’t have any control over any outcomes. I can only take each day as it comes. I’d like to think these empty spaces are reserved, that there is finally room for them to be filled with joy and love.

To be ignored is an awful feeling. However well intentioned, however much it is for ‘the best’ I have not written you in almost a year. Because a person who ignores you probably isn’t interested in letters of unrequited love. So much better it would have been, to move here and not found you. I would be as I had been before. Living life without thinking about you. I miss the freedom in that.

I fear you have either forgotten me or worse think of me in a less than honourable light. I haven’t changed. I’m only being strong and doing the best I can. Life is not the same without you. And my only wish, is that somehow my absence is felt in some small way. It seems cosmically wrong to be so affected by someone and there are no marks, no milestones no evidence it ever existed. Maybe it is time I accepted that.