Straight Talk

August 15, 2013

I started this blog for a multitude of reasons. To express my feelings, to say the things I could not say face to face, to try to understand this complicated connection to you. But today I’m not writing you another letter, not declaring my love nor singing your praises. You’re human. Flesh & blood like the rest of us. Imperfect with flaws.

It was one of the more braver things I’ve ever done in my life, professing my true feelings for you and discontinuing contact. Giving up one of the most positive aspects of my life, letting go of the one person who saw me in a good light, the unfailing support when I needed it. But you did us both a disservice, by not acknowledging the truth about our relationship. You helped perpetuate the fantasy.┬áIt’s something I basked myself in. Over and over. Whenever I needed it. This relationship by all accounts became real.

I find myself angry which I understand to mean hurt. Because in all of this, it is me that has had to carry this giant ball of emotions and go on this big ride. At this moment in time, I don’t know whether to be grateful or angry. That you could have ended this, in so many ways, so many times. Fantasy is wonderful. But it is not and can never be reality. My head is spinning wondering if you really truly understand how a few simple, straight forward actions, could’ve ended this a long time ago.

For all of its beauty, for all of its grace and for everything good I’m glad. But for all of the pain and all of the impromptu exchanges, I’m mad. Stop lying to yourself that we are somehow friends. Stop being so wonderful to me, stop placing me on a pedestal. It is too high and I cannot be myself from that vantage point. It is only a matter of time until I fall from your graces. You have some ownership in all of this. It’s not just my misplaced feelings or my unstable emotional life. You enjoyed seeing me. You too, had some feelings. You wanted to keep seeing me, because there was no other venue in your life with which to do so. There is nothing wrong with admitting you enjoyed my company. What’s wrong is using a professional relationship as some sort of pre tense.

Now things are so fucked up. I’ve always valued your honesty & integrity. I have been struggling about how to move forward. You would lose nothing by being honest. But you devalue me, and us, when you flatter me with compliments and flirt, with no intention of ever having anything more. It is difficult to express the complications I feel and am forced to go through every time I have to go to your office. You might be able to let me go so easily. Maybe I am a highlight in your day. But it is different for me. I deserve to be happy. And I am frustrated that I can’t resolve how strongly I feel.

You’ve always left the door swinging open, but armed with the truth, whatever that is, you could close it shut. They say you can’t have your cake and eat it too. I would argue, we can and do, all the fucking time. Life is too short not to tell the people who are important in your life, that you care about them. Life is fleeting and to not be clear about where things stand, is to waste precious time. I didn’t ask to fall in love with you. We do not choose who we love. But we sure as hell can be authentic and caring, honest and true and do the right thing no matter what it costs us. Even if it meant hurting me. Because at least that would be real.

When we pass from this life to the next, it won’t matter our earthly reasons and excuses. What will matter is, did we love, did we try, and who did we choose to be in the most difficult moments. We can’t hurt people with our decisions. We hurt people when we’re not honest about the way things really are. You owe yourself and everyone you love, this much.