January 24, 2013

Dear Raymond,

I’m sad to report to you that the joy and elation of your earlier visit has disintegrated into dust. Just when I thought I had turned a real corner in my life and felt truly hopeful, the past reared its ugly head and sent me to bed to hide under the covers.

How amazing and plentiful my thoughts of you are. Imagine the possibility that not only are you my first love but that you could be my last. Feeling certain through it all, never once having a doubt about what is meant to be. Man, that is the stuff people talk about across all time.

But maybe I am really delusional. Like in what universe could something like this happen? Maybe I have romanticized something for far too long. I’m baffled. Confused. Angry because I don’t feel like we can talk anymore and I don’t know whether to keep waiting or let it go. And I don’t think I even have the strength to let go, because whether it’s real or an idea, it is just so damn beautiful.

It’s funny how in such a short period of time, things can change so drastically. Whether it is change in circumstances or a change in perspective, my world is in turmoil. Hope is dangerous, first loves make me crazy and wondering. I spent the day making a video because I couldn’t concentrate. I haven’t been in touch and I most likely won’t be for some time. I think I understand the situation. I’m in fact, crazier than a loon. My dream last night proves it. I’m haunted. I am stuck with the words of this song. What if it all means something? What if it doesn’t?

Please return my heart back, even if it’s in a million pieces. Reality has to be the right thing. I hope.