Regret

November 24, 2011

If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you. When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me.

 ~Led Zeppelin~

Dear Raymond,

I think part of the reason why I’m holding on so tight is because I fear something so great won’t happen twice. I still dream of  us walking on the beach, watching the sun set over the ocean,laying  back and watching the stars and waiting on the dawn of a new day. You are the one person who makes me smile, who makes my heart skip a beat, and makes me happy just thinking of you.

I choose to love you in silence, for in silence I found no rejection, I choose to love you in my dreams, for in my dreams I have no intention. When I am old and my children ask me who my first love was I don’t want to have to pull out an old photo, I want to point and say there he is right there. A wish changes nothing, a decision changes everything. And as crazy as it sounds, I have made up my mind. It is true, that love indeed is, blind.

Love Sage

 

Saturday

November 19, 2011

Dear Raymond,

I’ve shed a few tears these last few days and I imagine that you are still your happy-go-lucky self. Because nothing has changed in your world. But everything did in mine.

Dear Raymond, I need to tell you something. It is difficult to let go of something so beautiful. My reality and yours. Two different worlds. I will try my best to keep in mind, that if you’re truly happy, that is all I should hope for. My heart is troubled because I find myself having to give up yet another person I love.

Sage

Falling

November 17, 2011

Dear Raymond,

“Sometimes love blinds us, other times it let’s us see”

As I sit here and write this letter, stairway to heaven is playing in the background, and I don’t know how I have managed to misconstrue and screw up everything. There is no worse feeling in the world than feeling vulnerable and exposed. I wish I had a poker face.  I allowed my romantic feelings to cloud my judgement and in the end I didn’t see the truth.

I guess that’s why they’re called crushes. I had an abiding belief, the strongest emotions I have ever felt, when it came to you. Now I feel like a bumbling idiot, who couldn’t keep her big dumb feelings to herself. And even when I tried to hide it, it was no use. Because today you basically came out and said, “I know.” It was always written all over my face.

There was so much I longed to say but I couldn’t get the words out. I romanticized our relationship and interpreted things you said and did as more than what they were. I felt like there was something there between us. But after today I know different. So the next time I see you, I’m going to feel like a dolt and then I’m going to have to find a way to say what I need to without being a jackass.

I don’t want to hear anymore random Zeppelin songs on the radio.

Sage

 

 

 

 

Someday

November 8, 2011

Dear Raymond,

As I take the 12 km drive to visit with you, I look out the window and pray to God. I’m not always sure what to pray for, but somehow He always knows just how to answer. I ask in ten different ways for a sign or confirmation, that maybe you have feelings for me too.

I don’t think I could have ever gotten a clearer response than seeing you today. I figure I have really misread things completely or you really meant the things you said and I didn’t misinterpret. I guess that is where my faith comes in. I garnered up the nerve to tell you I had a dream about you. I couldn’t tell you the details, but wanted you to know it was a good dream.

You went out of your way to tell me that I was special to you. The way you said, “I never have to hide myself from you,” was spoken with such tenderness I almost melted right on the spot. You were eager to read my latest chapters but I saved the darkest ones for another time. There was so much I wanted to tell you but I didn’t think it was an appropriate time. But you wanted to read my old diaries, you were curious. We reminisced about those lost years and I was surprised. You said two very important things. “I remember.” And you wanted to know would you ever get to read them. You asked, “Someday?” And I said yes.

It’s not fair that your skin color does not reveal your red face. I mustve looked like a blushing,goofy googly eyed kid. What can I say? You got me babe.

Soulful Smiles,

Sage