Bittersweet

March 9, 2011

Dear Raymond,

Never has a day when I have seen you been so mixed with emotions. Maybe it was because we broached on so many different topics – all of which made me sad. I love that you joked about reading my notebook and half pretended you didnt read it. You were silly and smiling and I love that about you.

I brought in more photos, like you asked, old baby pictures of my children. You seemed to enjoy them. Grief is a funny thing, you never quite know how it’s going to creep up on you. In the end, you were right. I should look back on the great memories I do have. I just didnt think seeing pictures of her would bring me so much sadness.

The rest of my day was sad, even though my days spent with you are usually happy. A friend of mine messaged me to tell me he was reading my book. He sent me a sad song to go with the chapter. I feel so exposed and vulnerable when it comes to you. I shouldve walked out of your office smiling but today I walked away feeling sad. Then I felt even sadder because I won’t be seeing you for awhile.

I gave you the first page of the chapter of my new book I’m working on. The page chronicled my awful childhood. I wondered what you thought about what I wrote. I guess I won’t find out until I see you next. Sometimes I feel our relationship is so unfair. My life is like an open book to you and it’s difficult sometimes. It’s all very one sided and I am ever aware of this fact.

The rest of the day I worked some more on my book and then decided to call it quits. I decided to comfort myself and put on my pj’s, eat pizza and watch my favorite movie. Some days my feelings for you feel like a special gift just for me. And other days reality sets in and I think myself slightly crazy for even going there in the first place. I didnt say what I needed to say.

Just,

Sage

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Confess

March 1, 2011

My Dearest Raymond,

It’s a beautiful day outside and was even more beautiful because I got to spend a little time with you. You sounded like you’ve been really busy but still you managed to put a smile on and be wonderful to me. I hope you enjoyed the photos I brought in, I thought it would be nice for you to see some of the important people in my life. Funny, how we’ve known each other for years and I dont have a picture of you. It’s no big deal because being the die hard romantic that I am, I have no trouble conjuring up your image in my mind.

I noticed something in your eyes today. It was as if something came over you, an unexpected and overwhelming warmth, and your eyes totally glazed over as you looked at me.  My daughter caught me smiling last night. I told her I was thinking about someone but I wouldnt tell her who it was. She started naming off names trying to figure out who it was. I mentioned this to you today and you asked me to tell you who it was.

It was you. This has happened a few times in our conversations. But I can’t tell you. I dont want things between us to change and I’m a coward, I’m afraid of rejection. Right before I left you tapped my elbow and said, “it’s great to see you.” I wish I had the courage to confess. I wish you would confess. I have to keep it all to myself. If I didnt write it down I think I would burst.  I’m looking forward to sharing with you next week. Sometimes I think we’re both waiting for the other to express how we really feel about each other. We’ve had so many great openings.

Yours,

Sage