Just Believe

February 16, 2011

Dear Raymond,

I spent the past week reminding myself that you are unavailable to me. It’s easy to be attracted to someone you know you simply can’t have. I’ve had strong feelings since the day I met you some 20 years ago. It happens. It doesn’t matter that the feelings dont correspond with the situation. That’s life sometimes, you meet someone and you’re taken with them.  Besides my friend William, you’re one of the few people I trust. Maybe it’s a form of self-torture for me, being plagued by thoughts of you. I’ve spent many days and nights trying to understand my feelings.

All I know is that it’s terribly out of my control and in God’s hands. I believe in obedience and I believe in taking the moral high ground. Maybe God was trying to show me what a real man is and what real love means. Some days it seems so unfair. Today I prayed before I saw you and asked God to make the butterflies go away. I just didn’t want to go through the high of seeing you. Having such large feelings can be very exhausting.

Deep down, I don’t think it’s anything twisted, weird or wrong. It’s all very perfectly natural. When we take the time to open our hearts and see a person for who they truly are, it’s damn near impossible not to feel amazing when they are around. My prayer continues to be to trust in God, fate, destiny.

Valentines Day sucked, being the hopeless romantic that I am. And I really enjoyed watching you walk down the hallway today. You have a graceful way of walking and you’re very dedicated to helping those who come into contact with you. To me, you’re simply beautiful. Right or wrong, good or bad, I really can’t help it. Why did God let me hear one of the most beautiful sounds in the world, your voice. I’m sure you would tell me it’s pathological and free will. I would have to disagree. If I had the free will, I would choose someone who was free to return to me. Oh my foolish, silly heart.

Yours,

Sage

Ask

February 8, 2011

Dear Raymond,

Last night I spent the evening in worship and prayer. I’ve spent most of my life relying on myself so much that I often forget to go the throne. I used to think God didnt exist because of the harsh life that was handed to me but after finding God, I knew that it was Him who gave me my gifts and saved me more times than I can count.

I learned from a young age to use my survivor instincts. I had to be able to size up a room in less than 60 seconds and decide what kind of trouble I might be in. As I grew older, I had the need to control situations and my love life in particular. Real love frightened me so much that on a deep level, I set myself up in situations where I would never be loved in return. Round and round I played the victim without realizing this negative pattern.

Then a few years ago, I decided to remain single and celibate. I sought God, I sought the helping profession, I sought self empowerment. I knew that all love starts with self love. I started to see the person God meant for me to be. But time and time again, I still lived with fear and control. It’s hard to tell your human soul not to be afraid when two decades of your life were met with violence, uncertainty and poverty.

Since you have been on my mind so much lately and I have been a bit lost with the direction of my life lately, I sought God. I wish there was an easier way to get there, He really should be my first option rather than the last. I prayed to God to make my fear of Him greater than my fear of things on this earth. I asked God for a sign concerning you, I told Him that He had put you in my path. I confessed that I couldnt control my feelings for you and that somehow I felt you were a part of my destiny. I prayed for a sign that would tell me something that would help me sort out my feelings.

As I sat in the office today, I could hear your laughter through the walls. I smiled inside. I knew that you would be in a good mood today. You came in the room and I told you the past few weeks had been nightmares and trouble sleeping. I told you it takes a long time for me to get to resting because my mind just wont shut off. And then you asked me. You asked me what was keeping me awake. I couldnt very well tell you that it is thoughts of you that are keeping me wide eyed and squirrely at night. I hope that my strong feelings for you arent about my need to control my life. I’m leaning on God to show me the path and what’s real.

Yours,

Sage

Kismet

February 4, 2011

Dear Raymond,

Seeing you again after all of these years has really been wonderful for me. There was a time when I finally decided I had to move on and let my girlhood crush go. A lifetime seems to have gone by since then. These poems are from my journal dating back to 1997.  I made a promise to myself that I would never let you go as the poem describes but then had to break it. I want you to know that since it is kismet that we met again, I have reclaimed and taken up the promise. If I had one wish, it would be to freeze the world for 24 hours so we could talk, laugh and reminisce.

Yours,

Sage

————————————————

Cant find the words that portray

My vision of you

My dreams that say

A view of calm water

A horizon

Bright sun,

A flower

A child

Careless dance with someone.

An old cathedral

I hear it’s bell

A summer breeze

With that certain smell.

All things that are happy & gay

Remind me of you in some small way.

——————————————————

The promise

I can no longer hold

A glimpse inside my guarded soul,

You penetrated it

But then walked away,

You opened the door

But couldnt stay.

I held on

And years have passed

Hoping that the promise would last.

Now I feel the ache in my soul

The promise I made that I can’t hold,

I dont think you ever knew

My healing force

My love for you.

Fate

February 3, 2011

Dear  Raymond,

I want to share this piece of beautiful writing with you.Though I didnt write this personally, the words in some parts reflect my perspective and feelings about you . I do hope it will touch you in the way it did me.

Yours,

Sage

By Besy Carandang 

Today, I tried to do something I wasn’t able to do for a long time….write. It seems that my being lost for awhile disabled my heart and my hands as well, from doing the things I love. I tried several times but I never got it in me to come up with a composition that at least would make sense. Until last night when someone important to me gave me a reason for me to wake up today and share to those people around me the music my heart is playing nowadays.

————————————————————–
Fate

“Let’s just trust wherever fate will lead us.” That was what I heard the boy said when he was talking to this girl whom I can say became special to him. “Can’t you see? I already did and I hope that fate would be kind this time”, the girl replied.

It’s been quite a while since that day wherein she had to watch a certain person walk away from her. She can still remember how that moment felt when he said goodbye until that time when he disappeared from her sight. Knowing her, at that instant wherein he took his first step, I am sure she would have embraced him and pleaded for him to stay but I saw something different in her at that time. I saw a strong woman who accepted their destiny and who did let go of the person she loved for him to find his place in this world. I know she could have told the man that she will patiently wait for his return but she did not. She felt the pain every time the man took a step away from her. In every step, the things that they used to do and those times they spent together flashed back, that made it harder for her to breathe. The emotions that she hid in her heart started to show as little crystals of water started to well up in her eyes. A tear fell but she stood still and watched him leaving because she knows that it would be the last time she will see that man she was suppose to share forever with. She left that place where a dream was shattered and where a heart was broken, a road that she will not have the courage to pass through again in her lifetime.

The first morning was the most difficult part. It’s as if she was a newly born who does not know who she is, what she will do and where she will go. For the times that they were together, she lived in the world of his beloved. She learned to live his life. Upon waking up, thoughts of him started to sneak up her thoughts but before it could, she shook it away and tried to keep herself busy. It worked for some time until that day when she was with her acquaintances. They were all around her laughing, shouting, goofing around, sharing stories and cracking jokes. She was there sitting down in the chair circling her finger at the top of the glass wine trying to make a sound out of it. She sighed and told herself, “I don’t know myself anymore. I don’t know how to smile, I don’t know what makes me happy, and I don’t remember what I love to do…it’s as if I lost my identity.” She then stood up and went home. Upon entering her room, she did herself a favor and cried it all out. Hoping that tomorrow would be a better day for her.

Days turned into weeks. Weeks turned into months. She bravely tried to face each day where no one understands what she is going through. I can still remember something her friend told her, “No one has the right to condemn you on how you repair your heart because no one knows how much you’re hurting.” She slowly learned how to smile and be with people but deep inside she is this numb creation that refused to feel anything. She once again went out with her friends but this time she learned how to speak and relish the moment. They were laughing their hearts out when this man came in but she was too busy to notice. She didn’t know that it was destiny knocking at her door trying to show her the beginning of her new journey.

He became a good friend to her, I can see that he was able to teach her a lot of things and bring back her old self one day at a time without her noticing it. She began to laugh again and what really made a mark in me was that day when I once again saw that glow in her eyes. That glow that all people who are close to her missed so much, that glow that would show us how happy she was without even telling us. One day, she came to me and told me, “I thought it was impossible at first but that day came when I returned to that place, the place where I lost myself. The place did not look the same. When the sun did set during that time, it looked lonely. But when I went there, the sunset gave a stunning view that I will never forget.” Then she paused for a while, took a deep breath and smiled. “I thought I will never understand. I thought I will never be able to forgive. I thought that the pain will never go away. But now I understand that some things will never work if it is not meant to happen. There will be really some promises that will be broken in this life and that is the sad fact that we all have to accept. I have forgiven him for walking away because I know that just like me he also tried to make it work. I know he loved me the best way he could. And now that I have learned to understand and forgive, I can no longer feel the pain anymore. I won’t be able to go back to this place if it weren’t for this man who brought me back my life. He was there when no one else noticed me. He was there when I had nothing. He held my hand and never let go throughout this journey. I never thought that there is a man in this earth who is brave enough to walk with me going to my past where he wasn’t even a part of just to help me heal. I don’t need for him to shout for the whole world to hear how much I mean to him. When he gave me his world, I already knew. Now this place will be remembered as a place where there is full of hope and where a heart was made whole by one brave soul who cares for me so much”, she said.

He was the strangest blessing that came to her life, the strangest blessing that brought out the best of her. They put their trust now to fate and all we can do for now is to hope and pray that fate will be kind to the both of them this time. Fate will lead them to where they are destined to be.