Pull Of Your Heart

January 31, 2011

Dear Raymond,

I hadnt planned on seeing you yesterday. I psyched myself into not thinking about you or your presence but through a surprise I caught a glimpse of you. I was told your face lit up when you saw me. I didnt stay long because I wasnt there for me. So it was a warm surprise even if it was only all for a brief thirty seconds.

After I went home I was in good spirits. And I began to think about who you are. You are kind, gentle, caring, funny and warm. You are soft spoken and never judge. You always see the very best in me, even at times when things arent at their best. Whoever is married to you is  so lucky to have you. Your friends and family are blessed to have such a wonderful person in their life. And on the flip side, I would love to see what you’re like on a bad day. I wonder what your faults must be.

They say that love is blind and nothing is perfect. It’s not about finding the perfect person rather it’s about finding out if a person is perfect for you. I was supposed to see you again tomorrow but everything was cancelled due to the snow. So I guess I’ll have to hold on to the warm thought of you from yesterday, until we meet again.

Yours,

Sage

Swiftly

January 19, 2011

Dear Raymond,

I just returned from seeing you earlier today. You looked handsome and you had that amazing sparkle in your big brown eyes. It took forever waiting around to see you, and then when I did see you, the time just blew by.

I barely got a chance to connect with you but you could tellthat I am doing a lot better.  I wont see you until the end of the month. The time is getting further and further apart between visits.  I cherish the moments we spend and you continue to be the one special person in my life – even if it is all business.

 You are the highlight of my week. You touched me on the arm and you smiled at me. I always try to look nice when I know Im going to see you. I wonder if you notice. I cant help but notice you. Thanks for leaving this smile on my face today.

Yours,

Sage

Beauty & Truth

January 9, 2011

Dear Raymond,

I never forget the words that you speak to me. Do you remember the day not too long ago when you went on a little rant, and at the end you  said, “Do you want to tell me to shut up now?”   I was flabbergasted. Not only were you right in what you were saying, but as I watched your lips move, I wanted to kiss you right then and there. Instead I replied with a surprised no. In truth, I never want you ever to shut up as you put it, I count on you for being the voice of beauty and truth.

It’s Saturday night as I am writing this and it’s bitterly cold outside. I wonder what your Saturday nights are like. Do you have time to do all the things you love and am I just another one of your many, many acquaintances? I have so many questions I want to ask you. So many things  I long to know about you.

I wont be seeing you again for another two weeks. And when I do, I will try my best to stick to business and not let anything show.  I’m haunted and sort of lost in my own  happy world these  days. I cant share why the smiling to anyone let alone you. Leaving this unrequited is the only way I can keep sailing this ocean. I told you last week that I’m glad that my last relationship is over. It taught me to never settle for less than equality and respect. I’m not sure I will ever meet another man as wonderful as you. But just by knowing you, I can believe in the possibility.

Yours,

Sage

Unsent

January 8, 2011

Dear Raymond,

You were in my thoughts during much of my free time today and I wondered about so many things. I realized I know so little about you. All I could do was wish, and send my positive energy out to the universe and hope that it was well recieved.

I found some of my old journals tonight and smiled some more after reading through some of the entries. You filled more than a few pages and it made me reminisce about those years.  The time has  just flew by, it seemed like it was only yesterday except that it was a lifetime ago. I was amazed then as I am amazed now. You just have that effect on me.

So I dont know what you do with your life besides what little I do know about you. I hope that you think of me too and get that same warm feeling inside. I wrote about my feelings for you and how they interfered with starting a new relationship. At the age of 21, I knew my feelings for you would never be anything more than a girlhood crush.

Even now, I should probably face that truth and try to move on yet even as a 34 yr old woman I cannot teach my heart not to do what comes so naturally. Not every relationship turns out the way we want and we dont get to decide how long a person is in our life or even what role they will play. It’s something divinely decided and I just try to accept and enjoy the gifts that fate bestow me with.

But still, you’re my guilty pleasure. I write these letters because some days I feel like my heart will burst if I dont express it. Who knows, maybe one day you’ll actually read them. Fate could be kind. Our paths have crossed again and for that I am glad. This is all so terribly one sided. I long to know the truth some days, for better or worse. One thing I do know well is your heart. It’s big and beautiful. That’s enough for me.

Yours,

Sage

Hands

January 6, 2011

Dear Raymond,

Today something special happened between us. Instead of an embrace, you stopped yourself, and held out your hand to shake hello. For a brief second, I touched you. Then we began our chat. I had planned on the things I had wanted to discuss, but after I saw you most of it went out of my head. I shared with you how my perspective on my life and the new year were positive. That I made a choice to let go of the past year and all of its disappointments and really give thanks because every mis step lead me to a better and healthier place. I told you that 2011 was about becoming the kind of person I really want to be.

You surprised me because you smiled at me and reached for my hand again, and for a few short seconds, we squeezed each others hand. Then you gave a sideways glance as you pulled your hand away. You asked me if I had any stories I wanted to share. So I shared a little known secret bit about my book and you seemed to marvel at that.

As always, the time went by all too fast. I try to hide my obvious feelings for you but I couldnt help it, I looked you straight in the eye. I try to read your body language but I must admit I’m far too biased to ever have a valid opinion. I look forward to seeing you and I count the days until we will speak again. But everything has to be strictly business and I am ever aware of this fact.

Having feelings for you that are unspoken, that they have lasted so many years still amazes me. You are a gift, a wonderful human being who truly makes this world a better place. I’m grateful for your assistance and kind words. I remember them all and hold on to them. You are my happy thought I carry in my heart every single day. Because of you, I know trust and because of you, I can be myself. I know God loves me because He sent me you to watch over me. Sometimes I think we met in another life, only to find each other again in this one.

Yours,

Sage

Etched

January 6, 2011

Dear Raymond,

Thank you for today. Your words touched my heart very deeply and I couldnt stop smiling for at least a couple of days. They stuck with me and have been etched in my soul.You told me I was one of the strongest people you knew. Even when I tried to downplay this kind remark, you were not easily convinced.

And this really resonated with me. When I think back to the time I first met you, I really have been through some tough stuff in life. I’ve tried to take the ugliness and turn it into something beautiful. I make a daily effort not to let the bad stuff harden me. Every day is a new day and when I’m with you I’m reminded of that. You’ve seen me through my light and dark. I love to see you smiling and laughing. No matter what shade of the day it is for me, it’s contagious. Just, thank you.

Yours,